My body is different now,
from how it was before.
My first memory of body
physical muscle,
skin fat and bone
was that day in the gym,
i looked up- mid-push-up, half-plank- sassy as they come-
the only girl to go all the way, pun intended,
and i liked what i saw.
I liked the way the nike logo smoothly settled itself just above my awkward little chest
the way my tights clung to straight lines and flat waist
I was 14, high on tubs of chocolate brownie sour candy vanilla milkshake ice cream in bed,
whispering down teenage phone lines after dark,
promising empty promises that had never felt so full
I was high on ice cream and late night phone calls and the youngness of it all
you running your fingers along the sand dunes of my back
and half marathon training that made my calves throb with pride
My body was new then,
shiny and tight,
begging for touch.
My body is different now
from how it was before.
Those first stretch marks, angry purple screams
on thighs that could no longer bear to watch
I thought of them as punishment--
for having too much fun.
For every Fore birthday cake
greasy plates of food around tables of just so much
so much love, so many smiles,
how can one person feel so much?
The smell of Justin's pumpkin pie- my first pumpkin, my first pie.
I felt my arms growing, my cheeks wobbled when I laughed,
I held my breath in mirrors and lengthened my neck for the flash
But so much happiness.
The love handles that bulged out of my jeans-- soft presents- the enormità of it all
The roundness of my face- glowing against Rilke sunset and Carso magic
cioccomenta gelato for dinner, three weeks of summer in a row,
you smiling dimples and me smiling ice cream
My body is different now
from how it was before.
Love became a bittersweet word
And my body too, became a bittersweet place
It bore memories, and hopes
It kept unfinished angles, and grew new shapes
It let itself be pushed, and cried upon and pinched with shame
It held grudges and stayed angry
but also let forgiveness run its course.
Those first Fore stretchmarks,
My too long too structured too big feet,
A bin full of date pits and two sheepish roommate smiles
My first day at the climbing gym-
the divine numbness in my arms
Imperfection, beauty, acceptance– I've chanted, I've willed.
Our Sunday mornings and tangled feet and those slowly fading stretchmarks.
My cheeks may not have flattened and sculpted, but they remember-
They remember touch, tears, trauma, tickling- tinkling
My thighs are not straight lines and my belly is far from flattened waist
But yesterday, I squatted 200 pounds and my heart roared with pride
for those not straight lines, for that far-from-flattened waist.
My body is different now
from how it was before
It is thunder thighs, and belly rolls and broken nails and scabby knees
It is shiny eyes and shinier nose
It is wild mess of hair and tiny ears and golden skin and blessed, bulging love handles.
It is too many things and too few things
It is okay. It is enough.
Dark Chocolate & Beet Cake with Whipped Mascarpone
(Adapted from Nigel Slater's Tender)
Ingredients:
- 8 ounces fresh beets
- 7 ounces 90% dark chocolate (I do one 100% bar, and one 70%, it's divine)
- 1/2 cup hot espresso
- 3/4 cup
- 1 cup almond flour/meal
- 1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
- 1/2 cup cocoa powder
- 5 eggs
- Scant 1/2 cup brown sugar
- Lightly butter an 8-inch springform cake pan and line the base with a round of baking parchment. Heat the oven to 350 degrees F.
- Cook the beets, whole and unpeeled, in boiling unsalted water. Once cooked, drain them, let them cool under running water, then peel them, slice off their stem and root, and process in a blender or food processor until a coarse purée.
- Melt the chocolate, broken into small pieces, in a small bowl set over a pot of simmering water.
- When the chocolate looks almost melted, pour the hot espresso over it. Cut the butter into small pieces and add to the melted chocolate. Push the butter down under the surface of the chocolate with a spoon and leave to soften.
- Mix together the almond flour, baking powder and cocoa.
- Separate the eggs, putting the whites in a large mixing bowl. Stir the yolks together.
- Remove the bowl of chocolate from the heat and stir until the butter has melted into the chocolate. Let sit for a few minutes, then stir in the egg yolks. Do this quickly, mixing firmly and evenly so the eggs blend into the mixture. Fold in the beet purée.
- Whisk the egg whites until stiff, then fold in the sugar. Fold the beaten egg whites and sugar into the chocolate mixture. A large metal spoon is what you want here; work in a deep, figure-eight movement but take care not to over-mix. Lastly, fold in the flour and cocoa.
- Transfer quickly to the prepared cake pan and put in the oven, decreasing the heat immediately to 325 degrees F. Bake until the rim is spongy, but the inner part still wobbles a little when gently shaken.
Serve topped with whipped mascarpone and hella strawberries if you want to go over the top. This cake is delicious on its own, and about as foolproof as they come. (A good substitute for mascarpone would be lightly sweetened ricotta or cream cheese)